To be alive

I am 21, and at this age I am really discovering it, that I am alive, or rather becoming aware that I am effectively breathing, feeling and being who I am. That my mind and body are one unit, which together can control each other, and that both are inseparable here on this globe. But above all, I am finally learning to feel that my body, also, is alive and taking in all possible energies that it encounters. From which I don’t have to run away, but may protect myself for it.

So I discovered during last sleepless nights, that for years I was drained by what seemed pleasant or sensational, such as social media, streams with endless moments of sitting and lying in front of a screen, forgetting and vegetating. Whether there is nothing around you, or there is very much, each time you have to be able to stay with yourself for a moment and feel what you are all experiencing. And I forgot that for far too long, fleeing time and again into fantasies.

Even if it is an apparent pain, if you concentrate and feel your body struggling, feel your blood flowing and your mind flowing, then you can also be able to enjoy this, because you are alive. That’s what I find myself doing, when I exercise or push myself. That feeling of letting go and moving on, I don’t dwell on that enough. I enjoy too little the “to be or not to to be” of life and daring to feel that.

No urge to be existential, but learning to live consciously, without a blindfold or sleeping mask or someone else’s glasses on. Existentialism is allowed, of course, when you are self-aware of your life, the life of the others around you and the here and now. In fact, to me that is the highest form of existence. But an existentialism in which you start seeing yourself as being “more than the other”, as an “I am forever because I do this or that”, that may lead to an obsession, which in turn is an alienation from existence. Life is a being, not a I have to do this or that, or a search for the meaning of, it is there and it is who you are in that moment and want to be, without running away.

So, I felt the last few days like a hurricane waiting to blow everything and everyone over, with a body on which there is a head, in which it spins with a tornado of thoughts, but also like someone who doesn’t dare to stay with himself. Like a madman who wanted to run away. Now I drop everything for a moment and try to concentrate, feel that I am, like everyone else, human, humane, a conscious living being with all the fucking shit that came with it and still comes with it. Good or bad.

Every tension, every vibration is now an enjoyment, away from the cutthroat sociology and the imposed bullshit, even this bullshit, I let it go and live my own life.

That’s what I’m trying to keep to myself now anyway.